


Five Crossovers I Haven't Written

by Baylor



Category: Law & Order: SVU, My Name is Earl, Psych, Reaper (TV), South Park, Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Demon Bounty Hunters, Gen, Humor, ManBearPig, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 22:56:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/932066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baylor/pseuds/Baylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Except I <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/931976">totally wrote this one</a>.</p></blockquote>





	1. Santa Barbara

“I totally knew it was zombies,” Shawn said. Gus eyeballed him scornfully.

“First you said it was a crazy cannibal serial killer like Hannibal Lector,” Gus said. “Then you said it was cannibal cultists seeking eternal youth. And then you said it was people infected with monkey-rage virus.”

“It was kind of people infected with monkey-rage virus,” Shawn said.

“The dead rising and trying to eat people is like monkey-rage virus, Shawn?” Gus demanded.

“Kind of,” Shawn said, undaunted. “I just didn’t want to freak you out with the whole dead rising thing. That psychic vision, it was pretty intense.”

“Dude,” Sam said, nostrils flaring, “you’re not psychic.”

“Settle down, Sam,” Dean said mildly.

“Settle down?” Sam fumed. “If you’re so psychic, where’re your mind-splitting headaches? How come no one you know is burning alive? Where’s your devil-baby evil destiny?”

Shawn held one hand out to Sam, and put two fingers of the other hand against his forehead. “Wait, I’m getting something right now. It’s Lassiter. He’s … cranky. He says … this never happened. We shall never speak of it again.”

Lassiter approached the group, his face frozen in sour ire. “Let’s just get one thing straight,” he said. “This,” he waved a hand vaguely at the newly refilled graves, “never happened. You two,” he pointed at Sam and Dean, “were never here. And we,” he pointed at Gus and Shawn, “will never speak of this again.”


	2. Seattle

“A bounty hunter for hell,” Dean repeated, eyeballing Sam.

“Yeah,” Sam said, sighing. “My parents kind of sold my soul to the Devil before I was born so I kind of have to. There’s a contract and everything.”

“Your parents can’t sell your soul,” Sam (Winchester, this time) said. “It doesn’t belong to them.”

“My friend Ben said that too,” Sam (Oliver, now) said speculatively. He wiped his sooty hands on his apron. “But my dad read through the whole contract, couldn’t find a way out.”

Sam (Winchester, again) cleared his throat uncomfortably. “You might want to have a lawyer look at it or something,” he said. “Just to be sure.”

“Steve was going to take a look but then he died, but now Tony is checking it out for me,” Sam (Oliver) said. “I figure they’re probably better than a lawyer for this kind of thing.”

“And Steve and Tony are?” Dean asked.

“My neighbors,” Sam (Oliver) said. “My gay demon neighbors.”

“Of course,” Dean said. 

There was an enormous boom behind the dumpster, followed by a solid thud.

“Dude, that was bad-ass,” a voice yelled. “We need some kickin’ weapons like these guys have, Sam.” 

“You don’t have any weapons?” Dean asked.

“It’s OK,” Sam (Oliver) assured him. “The Devil gives me a vessel each time. Forged in the bowels of perdition. Besides, do you want Sock running around with guns and knives and stuff?”

Behind them, the boom went off again.


	3. Camden

(Number 129: Stole from that guy’s sweet 1967 Chevy Impala while he was killing the ghost with a gun)

“So, anyway,” Earl concluded, “I thought the best way to get your dad to come back so that I could make things right was to pretend like there was this big people-killing ghost on the loose. And I guess it worked, because here you are. I sure am sorry about your dad, but seeing as how you took over the family business and have the car and everything, I guess this stuff is for you.”

“Um,” Sam said.

“I bet you was real scared,” Randy said. “I been a ghost for fourteen Halloweens, so I’ve had lots of practice.”

“You sure were brave,” Joy said, sidling up to Dean. “Betcha don’t usually get to save dead ghost victims that look like me, do you?”

“No,” Dean said. “But then, they’re usually dead.”

(Loaded in the sweet 1967 Chevy Impala by Earl and Randy: one tire; one bottle of Jack Daniels, three-quarters full; three Dungeons & Dragons playbooks replacing mystical texts; 22 shotgun shells; two slightly squished Hostess cupcakes; one Playboy magazine; and one ninth-grade history textbook.)


	4. New York

“Wait!” Sam said, holding up his hands, knife still clutched in one. “Don’t shoot! This isn’t what it looks like!”

“Oh my God,” Benson said in shock.

“Drop the knife!” Stabler yelled. “Do it! Now! Put your hands on your head and get down on the floor!”

“You don’t understand,” Sam said frantically even as he obeyed. “I’m trying to save him!”

Benson ran over to Dean, still dangling naked from the hook. “It’s all right,” she told him. “I’m a police officer. I’m here to help you. He won’t hurt you anymore.”

From the floor, Sam yelled, “He’s my brother! It’s all right!”

Stabler growled and slammed Sam’s face into the warehouse floor. “You sick bastard!” he roared. “Your brother! You think that makes this right?! I’ve seen some nasty things in my time, but this is right up in the top ten, pal!”

“Dean, tell them! Tell them about the –“ Sam shut up abruptly as Stabler slammed his head into the ground again and roared, “Shut your mouth, pervert! What kind of person even thinks about doing this to their own brother?”

Benson gingerly removed the gag from Dean’s mouth. “Are you all right? Can you talk?” 

Dean grimaced and worked some moisture back into his mouth. “Actually, it’s all over the Internet,” he said. “You wouldn’t believe what people want to see super-hot brothers like Sam and I getting up to.” 

He grinned at Benson.


	5. Quiet Little White Trash Redneck Mountain Town

“Mr. Vice President, please,” Sam said wearily. “We’ve told you before: there’s no such thing as ManBearPig.”

“I’m cereal, you guys,” Al Gore said. “This is the biggest threat facing our country. The hunters of America must unite and stop this evil!”

“Dude,” Dean said, “you can’t just go around pretending to be Bigfoot and kidnapping some little kids to make us show up and hunt ManBearPig. Again.”

“Hey, mister,” Kyle whispered, tugging on Dean’s sleeve. “Maybe you guys could, you know, pretend to hunt ManBearPig with him or something. I feel bad for him. I don’t think he has any friends.”

“He’s a Nobel Prize winner,” Sam said.

“Yeah, but can a Nobel Prize love you?” Stan asked. “Will it be your buddy and call you up to see how you’re doing?”

“Um,” Sam said awkwardly. “It’s just that we’re really kind of busy hunting actual evil things …”

“Oh, what the hell,” Dean said. “Tell you what, Mr. Vice President, why don’t you hop in the back of the Impala there and we’ll have ourselves a little ManBearPig hunt.”

“Really?” Al Gore said. “You’re cereal?”

“Totally cereal,” Dean said. 

“Goody!” Al Gore ran to the Impala, leaving Sam and Dean with the kids. 

“Dean!” Sam said.

“Come on, Sammy,” Dean said. “We’ll go pretend to kill something and at least Al Gore will stop kidnapping children for a few months.”

“I think we all learned something today,” Kyle started.

“Shut up,” Dean said.

**Author's Note:**

> Except I [totally wrote this one](http://archiveofourown.org/works/931976).


End file.
